OCTOBER 25 2010
Planned, prepared, excited.
Until i got the shot.
I knew something was wrong the moment i couldnt feel my whole body and slowly couldnt feel my chest and arms.
" Is it normal to not feel my chest and arms?" i say
" o sure for us short people it is" idiot anethesiologist says
" ok," i think to myself. " just calm down and it will all be over soon..."
Then the unvoluntary jaw clenching started. Every time they moved my body i felt more of me go numb. My chest, my jaw, whats next my brain? i freak out at this thought.
" Is this normal?" i asked the casual doctors who were moving quickly to get the surgery going.
no answer... they were worried because of my excess bleeding....
" I cant stop clenching my jaw" i feel like i shouted this time as my anxiety became too hard to supress.
" oh thats probably just cause your nervous" my ob says in ignorance. Barely looking away from her work.
This is not normal. I cant stop clenching my jaw. I cant talk. im bleeding to much. im scared. i try to get words out to tell gaston to help me and it barely comes out in broken wispers. Im going to die i think to myself. Im being slowly paralyzed to death and no one even notices!!! I want to scream, get up and run away, or just die now out of fear.
baby comes out.
im happy but so litterally paralyzed and scared i cant even turn my head to look at her the first time they want to show her to me.
What is happening! i scream in my head. Gaston says " here she is honey,"
i want to turn, see my new angel , touch her, hold her, but i cant and all i can get out is " i...cant...." in struggled wisper. Gaston knows something is wrong.
They take baby away to get cleaned. I grasp gastons hand as hard as i can and he is scared. He has no idea whats going on behind my closed eyes.
Its ok i can handle this.
i ask gaston how much longer and sensing my fear he tells me "all most done."
i can handle this. ( wave of numbness and jaw clenching)
i can handle this (worse wave and more jaw clenching)
i cant feel my chest move when i breath.
I cant handle this.
" I...cant...stop...clenching...my...jaw..." i struggle to get out one last time begging for help.
" oh well i can give you a sedative if you want, but you wont remember anything...?" the anesthesiologist says
"give it to me!" is all i can say. what an idiot.
Slowly the effects ware off to where i can finally look up at gaston. "You ok?" he asks
i just want to cry.
Baby Kayla had been crying so i asked to see her.
Gaston brings her to me.
" hello my love!" i say to my tiny angel.
she stops crying at the sound of my voice and turns her face towards mine. She is beautiful. So beautiful. Curly black hair, white skin like mine, could be a triplet to my other 2 babies. I instantly love her.
She doesnt leave my side as im sewn up and wheeled to my room. As soon as the post delivery body shaking calms down i finally get to have her in my arms where she belongs.
